


The Best Laid Slytherin Plans

by ddrizzydarling



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Hermione Granger, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Romance, Banter, Co-workers, Draco Is Ridiculous, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Good Theodore Nott, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Harry is a Good Friend, Harry puts up with a lot, Hermione is clueless about dating, M/M, Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter), Oblivious Ron Weasley, Oneshot, Post-Hogwarts, Romance, Slytherins Being Slytherins, Snarky Draco Malfoy, Supportive Harry Potter, Theomione
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24005248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddrizzydarling/pseuds/ddrizzydarling
Summary: Hermione Granger has been in love with Theodore Nott for years with no reciprocation so she reluctantly enlists Draco Malfoy for help seducing him and, naturally, chaos ensues. Never trust a Gryffindor with a Slytherin plan. Oneshot.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley/Blaise Zabini, Hermione Granger/Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson/Ron Weasley
Comments: 12
Kudos: 170





	The Best Laid Slytherin Plans

**Author's Note:**

> This is a humorous Theomione rom-com meant to brighten your day! This is my first fanfic that I have ever felt comfortable posting so please be gentle :) 
> 
> These are (of course) JKR's characters, I'm just playing with them! Also had some minor inspo from Bridget Jones Diary :)

## The Best Laid Slytherin Plans

“Theodore Nott is a TOSSER, Granger!” Draco Malfoy snorted loudly over his cappuccino as Hermione Granger desperately shushed him while frantically looking around.  


“Don’t shush me, I’m an aristocrat,” he retorted haughtily with a gleam in his eye.  


“Shut UP, Malfoy, Merlin you are always so obnoxious. He is NOT a tosser,” she whisper yelled, looking embarrassed. “I already regret coming to you about this,” she lamented with her head falling into her hands, a mass of curly hair covering her reddened face.  


“You’re right, he’s not, he’s actually quite lovely, I just wanted to get you to say tosser in public,” Draco said with a mocking grin and laughter in his silver eyes.  


“Oh my god, you are the absolute worst. I don’t understand what Harry sees in you.”  


“Oh, let me see? Perhaps my devilish good looks, unending charm, enormous vault or my equally enormous-”  


“Oh, gross, Malfoy! Although that would be the only reasonable explanation for why he’s living with you.”  


“Granger, you naughty little minx! I was merely going to comment on my intellect.”  


“STOP! That is not why I asked you to coffee!”  


“All work and no play, Granger, makes me a dull boy…”  


“I cannot believe the only Muggle thing I have gotten you to appreciate is horror films. Despite your ridiculous heritage you are a plebian.” Draco gasps, mockingly reaching for imaginary pearls. 

“Enough! Please, I am quite literally begging you, to help me.”  


“Fine, you are pathetic enough that it is impossible to make fun of and alas I’ve gone soft from all the time spent with you lot.”  


“Oh please, you set Neville on fire last week!”  


“Accidentally!”  


Hermione glared and grumbled, “Allegedly,” to which Draco merely smirked back.  


“So, Granger, I’ll play nice. Tell me what you want with my dear Theodore.”  


Hermione looked anxiously up over her steaming mug at the grinning blond while anxiously biting her lip. Draco gestured with his hands for her to come on, out with it, and Hermione sighed and started, “Please don’t make fun of me about this, I am all too well aware of how pathetic I am,” deep breath out, “I am in love with him.”  


“Christ, Granger, you’re not holding back. Have you even spoken to him outside of work?”  


“Kind of? I usually stammer through something embarrassing and run away or find myself drilling him about work until he looks a little alarmed and/or annoyed.”  


“Merlin, Granger, if you hadn’t already told me about your nauseating first time with Weasley I would think you’re a virgin. Why him? Isn’t there some nice, simple Gryffindor or better yet an easy Hufflepuff you can set your ridiculously large brain after?”  


“Trust me, Malfoy, if there was a way to talk myself out of this ridiculous crush, I would’ve done so,” Hermione groaned into her hands.  
Draco looked thoughtfully at her and tilted his head, “You know, it actually does make a little sense. You are both helpless nerds who lack any and all social graces and between the two of you have enough ambition to bring Salazar back from the dead,” he smirked and shook his head, “It’s too bad Nott is so fucking oblivious about girls that you could prance naked in front of him and he’d miss it.”  


“Draco, that’s why I came to you! I need you to help me come up with a plan of attack before I go barmy!”  


“Too fucking late there I’d say.”  


“You know what? Never mind! It took a lot of courage for me to work up the nerve to even admit my feelings to MYSELF let alone sharing them with the likes of you! I don’t need your stupid little quips-“  


“Oh calm down, Granger, and unwind your knickers from your arse,” he laughed as Hermione looked (if possible) even more incensed, “I’ll help you! Sit back down and wipe that scowl from your face, it’s unsightly. I’ll tell you whatever you need to know about our dear Theodore to thoroughly ensnare him with if not your wit then your hair, allowing it to finally have its moment to shine and do what it was so clearly brought into this world-“  


“Could you for once in your life just leave my hair out of it!”  


“Nope, I think its sentient and I have to keep it in check so it knows I am also a force to be reckoned with,” Draco smirked back in a way that could be charming if you ignored everything that came out of his mouth.  


Before Hermione could retort, Draco held a hand up with a smirk, “Step One,” and Hermione snapped her mouth shut, eyes at attention. “Infiltrate his hobbies and activities. He needs to recognize that you are a person he can see outside of work. Suddenly he will start seeing you everywhere. Don’t acknowledge him. Make him wonder if you’ve always been there and he is just now noticing. I cannot stress enough the need for subtlety or you’ll spook him like that time you gave dear Neville a fright when you bombarded him with questions about Herbology at dinner and he thought you might be hitting on him.”  


Draco let out a fake shudder and Hermione scowled. “That was one time! You are incorrigible, you know I was only expressing genuine interest in a scholarly pursuit and he just happened to be an expert on the subject!”  


“You need to practice flirting. I think that abomination with Neville was as close as you’ve gotten and you made the boy who killed Nagini with a great fucking sword run for cover.”  
Hermione covered her face with her hands and asked in exacerbation, “Step two?”  


“Start dressing to impress and elevate your assets and by that I mean your arse. Luckily for you, Nott is an arse man since you have no tits to speak of.”  


“Hey!”  


“Work with what you’ve got. I once caught him checking out Patil’s ass in her mermaid gown at the Yule and completely ignoring Brown’s enormous tits falling out of her dress. Weasley, on the other hand, needed a crane to lift his jaw off the floor.”  


“It’s a wonder none of us knew you were gay at Hogwarts, what with you spouting off about mermaid gowns.”  


“I was flaming, sweetheart, and all your self-absorbed arses were too blind to see it. All of the fighting with Potter was merely foreplay,” Draco said while wiggling his eyebrows as Hermione pretended to gag into her coffee cup. “Theo knew of course. He slipped it into conversation second year and before I knew what I was admitting to he had wandered off. He let me know he was fine with it in his own way of course. Sat next to me in the dining hall, glared at anyone who made an offhand homophobic comment. The whole house thought he was gay and he never said a word to stop the rumors. Good bloke, that one. If he wasn’t so resolutely hetero I would have made a pass back in the day.”  


“Ugh, everything I learn about him just makes him even more appealing! He is so intelligent and considerate,” Hermione said with a dreamy look and a soft sigh that she would resolutely deny if anyone ever asked.  


“Gross, Granger, I didn’t ask for what material you use to wank it to Theo every night. Regardless, Step three: after a few weeks of subtly infiltrating his space, flouncing about and dressing your arse to kill, you will start to befriend him. Mind you Granger, you will not treat him like one of your backyard Weasleys, slugging him on the arm and scolding him to do his work. You will flirt, shamelessly, with him at every turn and proceed to date other men in front of him. He has a bit of an inferiority complex but is also wildly competitive. This will bruise his ego but also intrigue him. You cannot be subtle with the flirting, as he is oblivious, but don’t lay it on too thick or you’ll scare him off. When he’s putty in your hands, kiss him and let him ask you out. Bing bang boom, that’s how it’s done.”  


Hermione looked at Draco utterly appalled and growled, “How do you expect me to be subtle and then all of a sudden start jumping him?! That makes no sense! He’s going to run for the hills! And besides that, Draco, I am a professional! I can’t walk around the ministry flouncing around in tight skirts! This isn’t Sex and the City, I am a woman who needs to command respect at work!”  


“Granger, while I respect your girl power attitude, whatever you’ve been doing hasn’t worked or else you wouldn’t be coming to me. I know Slytherins and I especially know Theodore. If you want his attention, this will get it. Now go be the confident, man-killing lion I know you can be and wriggle your ass into some tight pencil skirts to snatch the man of your dreams. And a final word of advice? For the love of Merlin, please try to tame your hair before it swallows poor Theodore?”  


Hermione got up in a huff, glared at Draco and said, “If you expect a thank you for your advice you’ll be sorely disappointed.” She then proceeded to stomp out of the coffee shop as Draco guffawed behind her.

Later that day after rage reading a book about bringing down the Patriarchy, Hermione begrudgingly looked in her closet and sighed at all the drab, frumpy, BUT PROFESSIONAL, clothes she had in her closet. She knew without taking them out that they all draped enormously and unflatteringly over her small frame and hid any of the small curves that she had. She firmly believed that a smart woman does not also need to be sexy or look a certain way to succeed and refused to buy into the idea that a woman had to be beautiful to get a man. But she also begrudgingly admitted to herself that her current wardrobe was less ‘feminist powerhouse’ and more, ‘girl trying to hide her body so that no one could ever accuse her of sleeping her way to the top or using any asset but her brain to get where she was today.’ Very specific but not exactly the brand she was hoping to create, she thought with a sigh. With a grimace, she decided that she would have to enlist Ginny and, God forbid, Pansy into helping her create a new, slightly more flattering work wardrobe.

The next morning, Hermione met a very pregnant Ginny Weasley in Muggle London as Ginny squealed about how excited she was that Hermione was finally letting her update her wardrobe. 

“Thank Merlin, Hermione! I’ve been trying to get you to this for years! I cannot wait to drape you in all the shit my pregnant arse can’t fit into any more. Let’s go!” 

“Ginny, please just assure me you did not tell Pansy about this. I’m already humiliated that Draco knows-“ 

Ginny flashed her a guilty look and said, “Look, I know you still don’t totally get on with her but I promise she will grow on you! And she would have been so offended if I hadn’t told her, we’ve both been dying to do this for ages. And you can’t deny she has great style! She’s helped Ron which even Mum had given up AGES ago.”

“Ugh, Ginny! Please at least tell me we are getting a head start before she gets here?” The words had scarcely left her mouth before she heard a loud squealing screech as Pansy Parkinson launched herself at Ginny Zabini (nee Weasley) and screamed, “Darling! I’m so excited I could barely sleep, how many years have I been begging you to let me get my nails into Granger and transform her from the ugly duckling she is into the beautiful swan I know she can be?!”

Hermione was really beginning to regret introducing all the obnoxious purebloods in her life to Muggle culture. She rolled her eyes and with a sigh said, “Pansy, you realize I can hear you?”

“Of course, darling, I’m not saying anything we all don’t already know!” 

Hermione looked at Pansy and begrudgingly admitted to herself that Pansy was gorgeous. The years had softened her more Pug-like features, she had her black hair perfectly cropped into a bob that flattered her sharp jawline and she had emphasized her full lips with the perfect shade of Coral. Her outfit was expertly tailored, sexy yet refined, and she resembled the great, late Elizabeth Taylor. 

Hermione recognized that she herself more resembled Mia Thermapolous pre-makeover in the Princess Diaries, but she would rather face off Bellatrix again than admit that to Pansy, thank you very much. 

“Let’s just get this over with. And I get the final say on any and all purchases!” 

“Well, darling, I suggest you agree to most since I already took the liberty of purging your closet. That’s why I was a touch late.” 

“You did WHAT?! How?!” Hermione was sputtering and looking between Pansy and Ginny incredulously. Ginny, to her credit, also looked a little shocked, but Pansy just continued to look glib and smug, waving a perfectly manicured hand and scoffing, “Oh please, I got Ronald to spill your wards in the throes of passion as soon as Ginny told me that we were finally able to give you the makeover you so richly need. Don’t be mad, darling, he didn’t even realize what he had done until after I had successfully burned all of those hideous things you called sweaters.” 

“You destroyed my cardigan collection?!” 

“Darling, men want SEXY librarians, not actual librarians. If Madam Pince owns the same sweater set, you’re doing it wrong.”

Hermione had only been around Pansy for five minutes and already wanted to throttle her. Not to mention she would have some choice words, and perhaps a beloved flock of birds, to contend with Ronald effing Weasley later. Ginny clearly recognized the warning signs in Hermione’s face and moved forward with damage control, “Oh come on ladies, it’s not every day that a woman as pregnant as me can find enjoyment in anything, please don’t fight and spoil it?” Ginny had clearly been spending too much time with Slytherins because this level of manipulation was hard to dispute or ignore. Hermione huffed and shouted, “Fine! But I draw the line at anything that resembles lingerie!” 

Pansy shared a not so subtle wink with Ginny, grabbed their arms and dragged them towards the nearest high end shop and unceremoniously shoved Hermione inside. What felt like days later, Hermione’s arms were bulging with bags of various scandalous “work clothes” that had her blushing just thinking about. Clearly Pansy and Ginny had used the war tactic of bleeding the opponent dry and wearing them down because the whole day was a blur of silk, lace and cashmere and Hermione could scarcely remember what she had purchased let alone tried on. She had been dragged from store to store, shoved into garment after garment and eventually plucked, waxed and prodded at a salon and spa until she felt like there was no pore untouched or area of her body that hadn’t been seen or poked by all of the beauty experts for the wizarding elite. Ginny and Pansy had been delighted the whole, miserable day, squealing and cooing, while Hermione felt like she had just blasted through all of her NEWTS without any prep. Needless to say, by the time the girls gleefully unloaded all her new belonging into her closet and set up her new “beauty regimen” onto her bathroom vanity, she was ready to collapse.

Hermione’s new “beauty regimen” was not off to a great start. After forgetting to set her alarm the evening before due to pure exhaustion, she woke up late in a panic and threw together a slightly mismatched yet still slightly scandalous work outfit and forewent any hair or makeup “designs.” (She could still hear Pansy’s enraged shriek about how it is “an aesthetic design, Hermione, not merely a “new look!”) Those can fucking start tomorrow, Hermione thought viciously as she attempted to pull down her very tight and slightly too short for comfort pencil skirt as she left the Ministry lift in a near run. In her haste to get to her office she nearly mowed down Marcus Flint, the ogre like former Slytherin who worked for the Department of Magical Games and Sports. One would think, Hermione thought bitterly, that working for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures would mean she would rarely, if ever, cross paths with the enormous troll but she unfortunately saw him with shocking, and irritating, regularity. 

“Granger!” Flint shouted delightedly, “What a sight for sore eyes! Is that a new skirt?” 

Hermione narrowly controlled the urge to scream and instead shot him what she hoped passed for a smile instead of a grimace, “Hello, Marcus. Yes, I’ve updated my wardrobe some over the weekend. If you don’t mind, I’m running terribly late!” As she tried to sidestep his broad frame, he quickly stepped in front of her escape route.

“And if I do mind?” He said with a leer that he probably thought was charming. Hermione’s smile turned into the ugly grimace it wanted to be all along and snarled out a “that’s too bad!” and did a land driven Wonky Feint (Wronky? Wronski? Doesn’t matter, she thought distractedly) that would’ve made Ron proud and took the hall at a run, finally arriving in her office panting. It was not the charming entrance that she was hoping to make this Monday morning but Hermione was never one to dwell on small misfortunes, especially when she had so much work to do to secure her new Werewolf initiative with the Wizengamot in a few short weeks. Theodore Nott looked up with a start and a small crooked smirk, “Morning, Granger. How was your weekend?” 

“Fine, Theodore! How’s it coming with the Werewolf deposition?” Hermione rushed out with a bit of a wheeze. Theo looked briefly disappointed but it was gone before Hermione could notice. Hermione inwardly kicked herself for rushing through what could’ve been a few minutes of glorious small talk she could have replayed and obsessed over for days afterward and with a disappointed huff settled next to Theo as he animatedly discussed the work he did over the weekend (swoon) for their project. 

As the week progressed, Hermione did her best to follow both Draco and Pansy’s advice (cough, demands) and amped up her hair, makeup and outfits throughout the week while doing her best to ignore Theo and “flounce about” (a phrasing she still found degrading). From sheer luck, and perhaps some light stalking, she had overheard Theo discussing his plans for Thursday trivia night at the Leaky Caldron with Susan Bones who worked as an administrative assistant in their department. Hermione thought this would be the perfect opportunity for her to “subtly infiltrate” his activities and perhaps dazzle him with her wit and skills? She knew she would need back up for the activity so she decided at lunch she would recruit (i.e. bully) Harry and Ron. While they wouldn’t be ideal trivia partners, she knew they would help her relax and maybe not be totally spastic (as usual, she thought with a flush) around Theo. After promising Ron she would be a test subject for one (only one!) new Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes product (which she was already regretting and this plan better fucking work since her life is now on the line for it) and badgering Harry who insisted he was bringing Draco if she was making him participate in an “academic event” on his night off, the plan for the evening was in motion. When she got home she made a desperate floo call to Ginny to help her get ready for the evening and was actually quite pleased with the results. Ginny had smoothed her hair into soft curls that cascaded down her back and did a light but very pretty look she called, “sunkissed goddess for the Golden Girl” and while Hermione had rolled her eyes at the time she had to admit she had never felt prettier while still looking and feeling like herself. She wore her new jeans which (hopefully subtly) emphasized her derriere and a sunshine yellow tank that was sexier than what she would normally choose but did give her the semblance of some cleavage. When Ginny was satisfied, Hermione nervously apparated outside the Leaky Cauldron (15 minutes early so she could pump herself up) and waited for the boys. 

She should have known better by now that while her boys were routinely late to everything, Slytherin boys were always prompt and timely. She awkwardly grimaced and found herself nervously playing with her hair when Theo suddenly apparated nearby with a crack and did a double take when he noticed her. 

“Hermione! I’ve never seen you at one of these before! Whose team are you on?” 

“Theo!” Hermione said with a nervous squeak, “Fancy seeing you here! I’m just waiting for Harry and Ron!”

Theo gave her his adorable crooked smile and said, “Ah, the Golden trio are back at it again! The rest of us don’t stand a chance!” 

Hermione playfully rolled her eyes and was about to respond with a hopefully flirty and witty retort when Harry and Ron boisterously apparated over, shouting a loud “Mione!” and ambling over to her. To her disappointment, Theo gave her a small salute and headed into the bar. “Oi, is that the guy you fancy from work?” Ron said slightly too loudly. Hermione gave him a rough shove, a terse “you’re late” and ushered her boys into the bar. Harry had the grace to look apologetic and whispered, “I promise I didn’t tell him, you know how Pansy and Draco love to gossip.” Hermione gave him an exasperated look and quietly returned in a rushed whisper, “It’s fine, just PLEASE make sure he doesn’t say anything too embarrassing, I do have to work with Theo and don’t want to make him feel awkward!” Harry nodded understandingly, gave her arm a reassuring squeeze and ushered Ron towards a table far away from Theo’s group. 

With a couple butterbeers in her system, Hermione was feeling warm, flushed and was actually having a really good time. She missed spending time with the boys, since usually they were with their significant others when they were all together, and found herself laughing uproariously as they (she) slowly destroyed the competition around them. She gave a joyous whoop when they knocked out the Hufflepuff team and she gave a loud (hopefully flirty?) boo as Theo answered a question correctly and knocked out the Ravenclaw team. When she realized her team would be next to face Theo’s, she suddenly didn’t love their chances of winning. Despite knowing this was supposed to be a fun, casual event to get to see Theo outside of work, she never liked to lose especially when it was a knowledge based event and house pride was on the line. The groups had ridiculously morphed into a very competitive Slytherin vs Gryffindor showdown with Harry, Ron and Hermione vs Theo, Draco and Marcus on the other side in a sudden death matchup. Hermione knew she was carrying her team but was pleasantly surprised when Harry and Ron finally got their heads out of their arses and got competitive, shouting house stereotypes across the bar at the other boys. Draco was obviously and disgustingly excited by this, and kept mouthing at Hermione obnoxiously “Foreplay!” with a wink whenever Harry shouted a slur over at them. 

Hermione was sweating as she found herself shouting out answers in time with Theo, each unable to get an edge over the other. She was having the time of her life and could admit to herself that it was so incredibly sexy that Theo was so smart. Not to mention how great he looked with his normally carefully coiffed dark curls all disheveled from running his hands through them in excited anticipation for each question. She felt herself stealing (hopefully subtle) frequent glances at him and unfortunately Marcus caught her once and thought she was looking at him (gross) and sent her a very overt wink which made Hermione spit a bit of butterbeer out onto Ron’s cheek. Ron naturally was oblivious to the dynamics at play and just slugged Hermione on the arm with a “Say don’t spray it, Mione!” Harry was too busy making eyes at Draco to notice much of anything and Hermione did her best to ignore the looks (leers) Draco was sending back. She thought she caught Theo checking her out at least once and sent him back a cheeky grin and resisted the urge to shimmy in his direction, feeling much less inhibited thanks to the butterbeer warming her system. When she finally edged out Theo with a shrieked, “Bathilda Bagshot!” She let out an enormous whoop and Ron grabbed her and swung her around shouting “Granger is our queen!” to the now much beloved tune of “Weasley is our King.” When Ron set her down, Hermione was about to make a beeline to Theo who was watching her with amusement when Draco reached out and grabbed her. Hermione let out a low pitched growl and tried to swiftly elbow him off which he easily dodged and chuckled, “Nice try, Granger, but I was a pretty decent seeker back in the day and you’re going to have to do better than that.” He lowered his voice to a whisper in her ear, “Now I know you weren’t trying to go over there and talk to our lovely Theodore when it’s this early in the plan?” 

Hermione shot him an annoyed look and said, “So what if I was?”

“Now, Granger, you’ve laid some excellent groundwork, credit where credit is due and all that, but now is the perfect opportunity to flirt with Flint in front of him.” 

“Have you lost your damn mind?! Like hell! I’ve been trying to get rid of Marcus’ attention for MONTHS, the last thing I want to do is encourage him.”

“Granger. You asked for my help. Here it is on a silver platter. Now go flirt with Flint as if your NEWTs depended on it and make Theodore jealous.” 

“I hate this. I hate you-“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Enough sweet talking me, go get your man,” he said with a smirk and a ridiculous smack to her arse that she wanted to Avada him for on the spot but LUCKY FOR HIM, Harry intervened with a kiss to her cheek and muttered, “Please ignore him, he gets feisty after competitive events,” with a pleading look in her direction. Hermione shot Draco a filthy look and marched over to Marcus without glancing at Theo again. If she had she would’ve seen his wounded puppy expression (as Draco called it) and she probably would have melted into a puddle of hormonal goo on the spot. 

Flint was watching her with a hungry expression as she tried to saunter over. She suppressed a shudder as she stroked his arm and said in her flirtiest voice, “Good game tonight, Marcus. You were really impressive,” which was, of course, a bold faced lied as Theo answered 75% percent of the questions and Draco the other 25% but she did her best to keep a straight face. 

Marcus puffed up his chest and with an exaggerated wink boasted, “Just wanted to impress you! So I take it, it worked?”

Hermione risked a glance in Theo’s direction and caught him watching the exchange with an unreadable expression on his handsome, aristocratic face. She quickly smiled at Marcus and nodded, perhaps overly enthusiastically, “Of course! I liked seeing you in, um, action!” 

Marcus was clearly eating up every word and roughly threw a meaty arm over her shoulder and pulled her much too tightly against his side, “If I knew trivia night would get you all hot and bothered, I would’ve asked you ages ago!” 

Hermione fought against her very strong instinct to gag and shove him away and instead smiled (winced) up at him and said, “You can invite me any time, Marcus!” 

Perhaps this was a step too far as Flint looked delighted and said, “Well then you’ll have to join me back here tomorrow night for happy hour! We come every Friday!” 

Hermione gulped and did not see an easy way out of this without blowing her cover of supposed interest in Marcus. “Uh, that sounds great? Who’s we?”

“Just a bunch of the lads and some of their dates! Me, Zabini, Pucey, Malfoy usually, Nott occasionally. You won’t be scared by a couple big snakes will you?” He said with obvious innuendo. This was quickly spiraling out of control and while Hermione would allow him to paw her shoulder roughly she would not let him put a finger out of place anywhere else on her body. As she felt his arm starting to move and drop down to her waist she did a quick spin move away, squeaked, “That sounds great! Just send me an owl with the details!” and promptly fled the scene feeling like a terrible Gryffindor. She hoped Draco knew what the hell he was talking about because it would take at least an hour in the shower to remove the scent of Marcus’ potent cologne from her body and she had just signed herself up for another night with the oaf. 

The next evening Hermione got herself ready, following Ginny’s makeup advice by adding some glittery highlighter to emphasize her eyes and cheekbones. She threw on a gold slip dress and matching strappy sandals and coiled her hair into a large messy bun hoping the outfit distracted from the mess on top of her head. She was exhausted from trying really hard all week at work and by the end of the day her hair had all but revolted. She really hoped tonight would not be a night that Draco made an appearance since he would never let her live it down. 

“Oi! Granger! What died on top of your head?” Draco’s distinctively gleeful drawl called out across the room and a few girls she knew by face from the ministry turned and giggled in her direction. She sent him a withering look as she slipped next to him and gave him a shove. He mimed a wounded arm and said, “All you Gryffindors are just so physical,” and winked across the table at Harry who flushed an adorable shade of pink. 

Hermione had not been able to figure out at work earlier if Theo planned on showing up tonight as he had been distinctly aloof towards her all day. She knew they were both busy trying to finalize the Werewolf deposition but she fought not to feel hurt as his behavior had bordered on cold when he was normally very cordial and almost friendly with her at work. She thought maybe he had some wounded pride over the trivia loss and hoped she could smooth things over with him tonight. She had preemptively decided that if he didn’t come she would feign illness to get out of an evening with Marcus since Theo was the only reason she had accepted this date from the start. Hermione felt a little guilty as she saw Marcus spot her with a big grin and she half-heartedly waved back at him. Luckily there was only room for a slight to normal sized person next to her on the bench so Marcus was forced to squeeze next to Harry who looked distinctly uncomfortable but thankfully began to engage Marcus in a conversation about the best keepers in the League. Hermione would have to send him a gift basket for taking the attention away from her as she knew from experience that Quidditch was the best way to distract Marcus from flirting with her for at least a half hour. Blaise Zabini bustled over to the table levitating 2 firewhiskey shots for each person and winked at her as he said “bottom’s up, Granger!” Hermione looked around her as the group all did some kind of weird, boyish chant and downed their drinks quickly. She felt all their eyes on her as she gulped hers down, partly out of defiance of her “good girl” image and partly out of sheer recklessness, and as she had a small coughing fit she felt a warm body slide in next to hers. As she lifted watering eyes and hoped mascara was not streaming down her face, she looked on in horror to the amused bright green eyes of one Theodore Nott. She felt Draco start to thump her on the back as Theo’s crooked grin perked up to show off his adorable dimples. Hermione gathered herself and let out a hoarse, “How are you, Theo?” 

“Better than you, apparently. The boys bully you into some shots?”

She shrugged and said, “Well, apparently everyone does 2 so I didn’t want to be the only one not participating.” 

Theo continued to look amused and whispered in her ear, “It’s a nasty trick, really, but everyone else does water shots whenever a new person joins the happy hour. They always try to get the new guy, or in your case new girl, drunk off their arse as a right of passage. Made a right fool of myself the first time I came, Drake and Harry had to carry me out. Don’t worry, I’ll look out for you, partner.” 

Hermione flushed and glared at the table around her who all boo’d Theo for clueing her in. Theo just shrugged and shot her a covert wink as he sipped a butterbeer at her side. She wanted to grab his face and kiss him right there but she knew Draco would murder her if she sabotaged his “carefully crafted” plan. She felt very grateful towards him for letting her in on the joke since she had skipped dinner and was already feeling a little woozy from the shots. Feeling loose from the booze she allowed herself to lean against Theo much more than was strictly necessary with the space left allotted on the bench. She felt him stiffen slightly than relax, a soft smirk on his face. He glanced at her again and said, “Alright there, Granger?” 

Hermione accidentally slipped out a sighed, “Better than alright,” and promptly blushed which made Theo laugh quietly. She loved how he was so sure of himself and never took up much attention in the room but lit it up all the same. She bumped his shoulder softly and said, “Hey, don’t make fun of me, I’m in a vulnerable state!” 

His light green eyes darkened slightly and he muttered an interested, “Oh?” 

Hermione bit her lip and saw his eyes drop there as she let out a little nod. Unfortunately, that was the moment Marcus decided to pipe in with a loud, “Oi, Nott, eyes off my girl!” She frowned over at Marcus feeling affronted at the assumption of ownership and was about to pop off about no man having any claim over her thank you very much when she felt Draco pinch her thigh. Draco gave her the cut it out face and she stuck her tongue out at him, maturity be damned. Theo had put his hands up in false surrender, still smirking and just sipped at his drink. Blaise was apparently in a celebratory mood, loudly proclaiming they all needed to get smashed while he still could before parenthood ruined it for him. Hermione thought he was very lucky Ginny was not here tonight to hear it, having already agreed to a girl’s night with Pansy that Hermione had thankfully been able to avoid thanks to her supposed “date” with Marcus Flint. Although, she thought rather maliciously, if Blaise tried to trick her again she may let his comments slip to Ginny and she would not be surprised if he became rather familiar with her famous bat bogey hex. Theo leaned over to her and muttered, “Why do you look like your plotting something? Isn’t that more Slytherin territory?” 

Hermione took a big sip of the butterbeer in front of her, which may have been Draco’s on second thought, summoned her Gryffindor courage and whispered in his ear, “Gryffindors can be bad too, Theo.” 

Theo chuckled, lowered his long dark lashes and whispered back, “That so, Granger?” He paused to lick his full lips which had Hermione practically panting then growled a low, “Prove it.” 

At this point, Hermione’s knickers were so thoroughly saturated she could probably slide right off the bench with the proper momentum. She felt as if they were the only two people in the whole bar, and with a slightly shaking hand under the table she reached towards Theo and rested her hand just above his knee and whispered, “Your move.” 

With his eyes locked on hers, Theo reached under the table and grabbed her hand with his long, sure fingers and slowly moved her hand upward while asking permission with his eyes. Hermione gave an almost imperceptible nod and Theo gave her a positively devilish smirk and was about to lower her hand on his surely delicious package when Hermione found herself absolutely covered in Butterbeer. 

Hermione sputtered and shrieked causing Theo to drop her hand on the bench between them in alarm. Hermione shot a venomous glare upward at the culprit, Marcus fucking Flint, who looked a little too smug for this to have been accidental. Fucking Slytherins, Hermione thought enraged, and waved off Harry’s offer to conjure napkins and growled, “I’ll just run to the loo.” Theodore gallantly slid out of the bench after a moment of discretely adjusting his trousers and offered her that same hand that moment’s ago had been promising sinful things. She gripped his hand and slid out of the bench while making heated eye contact with him the whole time. Words could not describe the absolutely disgusting things she wanted to do to the man in front of her which she think he understood based on the rather wicked expression on his face. She hurried to the loo to salvage what she could of her outfit and took a few minutes to calm her racing nerves and give herself a pep talk in the mirror. Tonight would be the night she would throw caution to the wind and take Theodore Nott, man of her dreams, to bed with her. Fuck Draco’s plan, Theo was clearly interested if his reaction to her flirting tonight had any indication and she was tired of waiting to get what she wanted. She raced back to the table, ready to grab Theo and apparate him directly to her flat but was shocked to find him gone when she got back. Marcus apologized to her for spilling his drink with saccharine perfidy and while she was gone the table had rearranged so that Harry and Draco were snuggled together on the opposite bench and Marcus was seated with an expectant expression that she would slip into the bench next to him. Hermione stifled a groan, sat next to him making sure to keep some distance between their bodies and tried to subtly ask, “Where’s Theo?” 

Marcus looked momentarily annoyed but recovered quickly saying, “Oh, he just got up and left, said something about having an early morning tomorrow and needing to leave.”

Hermione felt like she had been punched in the gut and half-heartedly answered Marcus’ questions about her work and interests. She managed to stay for an extra thirty minutes out of pure guilt for being such a terrible person to Marcus, who was definitely not her type but nice enough and did not deserve this level of manipulation. She quickly found she couldn’t stomach much more of Marcus’ attention without cracking and hurting his feelings so she made a rather lame excuse about feeling knackered from work and wanting to head home. Harry shot her a pitying glance as she was leaving which she waved off with a shrug and disappointed wave. As soon as she was home she slipped into her most comfortable Weasley sweater, cozy leggings and woolen socks and read one of her favorite muggle fiction books, Bridget Jones Diary, and felt a bit more hopeful after reading about Bridget, who despite being rather hapless and misunderstanding most social situations managed to get her man in the end. 

Despite feeling cautiously optimistic on Friday night, Hermione was forced into an unhappy reality Monday morning when Theo barely even glanced at her in acknowledgement upon arrival. Fighting a wave of disappointment, Hermione settled into her workday. She felt extra disappointed because she had put so much effort into getting ready that morning, hoping to maybe rekindle some of the passion from Friday night. She was wearing perfectly tailored grey plaid trousers, black stilletos that were already hurting and a tight black turtleneck that flattered her tiny waist. She had her hair in a low chignon with a few loose ringlets and had dared to do a thankfully successful cat eye with tearproof eyeliner, thank Merlin for magic. She was extra grateful for the tearproof liner at lunch when she had bravely asked Theo to accompany her to the atrium for scones and he had sniffed delicately saying he didn’t care for them and would be working through lunch. Feeling too embarrassed to stay and feeling like crying from mortification she sent an urgent memo to Harry who met her and provided both condolences and reassurance that she had not in fact made a total arse of herself on Friday and that he personally had no idea about all the moves she had put on Theo. Feeling slightly better she had pushed through the rest of the day feeling disappointed but refusing to let Theo see that he was effecting her. Clearly Friday night had been a mistake to him and she’d be damned if she was the first one to bring it up. The rest of the week remained much the same as Monday to her chagrin and she did her best to keep her chin up. She found that the outfits and looking her best made her feel empowered so she kept up the effort for herself rather than to try to ensnare Theo. As the days went by she was finding herself becoming more and more enraged that he was treating her this way after she had taken the risk of putting herself out there. It wasn’t as if she had been misreading signals! She knew that he had been affected based on the very obvious bulge he had been sporting and if this was how he reacted to her almost giving him a handie in the bar she was supremely grateful that she had not followed through with her initial plan to sleep with him. 

By week two of the near silent treatment from Theo and the need for constant vigilance to avoid Marcus she was about ready to tear her hair out. Marcus had sought her out twice (twice!) at lunch and she had had to skip eating all together both days since she had said she had too much work to get through to have the Werewolf proposal ready by deadline. It hadn’t been a total lie and Marcus had been respectful about it if oddly rude towards Theo both times but adding starvation on top of her annoyed confusion at Theo’s abrupt change in demeanor had really grated. By Friday, the idea of having to attend the annual Ministry Valentine’s Ball the next evening had her feeling near tears. She could not get out of going as she would need to schmooze some Wizengamot members at the event but she hopefully could be in and out by the end of cocktail hour. Ginny had thankfully agreed to do the heavy lifting of getting her ready for the event and she for once was the driving force behind wanting to look her most daring and stunning to date. If Theo couldn’t see what was right in front of him he was a fool. She was done chasing a man who didn’t deserve her and she reminded herself that she was a strong independent woman who had a fulfilling life of great friends, a career that challenged her and a book list a mile long that would take plenty of time to occupy her. Who needed Theodore Nott when she had Mr. Darcy! 

Ginny helped further pump her up while getting her ready. Hermione felt, dare she think it, like a Bond girl that evening. With her lips painted a perfect shade of crimson and a mermaid gown in the same color to match she knew she looked every bit the Gryffindor princess. She decided she would behave in a sexy, calm, cool and collected manner and engage Theo only to help secure as many votes in the Wizengamot as she could with charm and ease. 

Calm, cool and collected was quickly flying out the window. Hermione had attempted to get Theo to help her schmooze multiple important wizards as he was the fucking Slytherin and schmoozing was decidedly his territory, but he seemed unable to be arsed to even care about his job. He was fleeing from her like she had the plague all evening and Hermione had to practically drag him over to try to shake down some galleons from one of their top supporters. He had, fortunately for him and his bullocks, rose to the occasion once he was over there but Merlin’s beard, this cold hostility was getting out of hand. Hermione could not take it any longer now that it was definitively interfering with their ability to successfully do their job and she had long lost patience with waiting and following Draco’s stupid fucking plan which was definitively NOT WORKING and had in fact only made things worse between her and Theo. Just as Theo was attempting to maneuver away from her, Hermione grabbed his arm and dragged him toward a (somewhat) private corner of the room. 

“What exactly is your problem with me!?” Hermione demanded at Theo who slowly turned towards her with an unreadable expression. Hermione would have been distracted by how handsome he looked in his perfectly tailed dress robes that showed off his lithe, fit frame but she was beyond frustrated with the stupid (delicious) prat at this point. 

“My problem? Granger, I’m not sure what you mean but I would appreciate if you would lower your voice as we are at a work event.” 

“Lower my voice?! How dare you?! Don’t take the professional high road with me, Mister, you’ve been barely speaking to me for two weeks and we are almost at our deadline for the Werewolf project!”

“Granger, I don’t know what you are referring to but I have been perfectly cordial-“

“You have been an absolute ass since the happy hour! If I made you uncomfortable I apologize but this has got to stop!”

“Made me uncomfortable?” Theo said slightly raising his voice, “You made a fool of me! Here I was, throwing myself at you, and you were dating one of my mates the whole time!”

“What?! What are you talking about?!”

Theo rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his perfectly coiffed hair and growled out, “Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t suit you. You’ve been dating Marcus for weeks and then flirting with me right in front of him! I refuse to participate in some sort of twisted jealously plot!” 

“Who the fuck told you that!” Hermione was nearly screaming and had unfortunately gathered nearly all the attention in the room but at this point was beyond caring.

Theo started to look confused and with mild exasperation said, “Marcus did! He took me aside and gave me a rather humiliating lecture that night while you were in the loo so I took what was left of my dignity and went home! I’ve been trying to be respectful since then, I’m not a fucking home wrecker.” 

“I am actually going to murder him! No, we are not dating, we have never been dating. For fuck’s sake, I only agreed to go with him to that one SINGULAR EVENT to get your attention in the first place!” Hermione took a huge deep breath, gathered all her courage and said, “Theodore, I have been in love with you since the minute we started working together. I did all of this for you and you couldn’t even be bothered to notice! You can’t imagine the torture of discussing my love life with Draco or shopping with Pansy and I did that WILLINGLY just to get you to notice me! I can’t take it anymore!” 

Theo’s confusion was slowly melting and he instead looked on at Hermione with an amused expression on his ridiculously handsome face stating, “Couldn’t be bothered to notice? Hermione, I’ve been bidding my time for years trying to work up the courage to ask you out. I liked you just the way you were. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the effort you’ve put in but I liked you when you were shouting at me about deadlines in your tweed frock.” 

Hermione gaped at him, “You liked me all this time?! What the hell, Theo?! I’ve made an absolute ass of myself for WEEKS.” 

Theo looked chagrined and said, “I had the perfect plan to seduce you-“ 

“WHAT?!” 

Theo looked embarrassed and hesitantly began, “Well, it involved at least a 3 step process to be divided out over a number of months and that could only be started once you respected me as a coworker-“

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT I HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH PRACTICING FLIRTING ON FUCKING MARCUS FLINT WHEN I COULD’VE JUST JUMPED YOU?!”

Theo looked equal parts shocked and amused and hesitantly said, “Yes? I would very much like that?” 

Hermione still looked incredibly miffed, grabbed the front of Theo’s robes that had surely cost at least a month’s salary, pulled him to her and snogged him senseless in front of the entire Ministry and all of her friends. At this, Theo finally seemed to realize that he could have her without engaging in some ridiculous plot, pulled her closer and kissed her like she had only ever imagined in her deepest fantasies, lightly biting her bottom lip before slipping his tongue into her mouth. When they broke apart, gasping for breath, Theo asked with a wry smirk, “So do you suppose I can speed up my plan and take you home to proceed with the seduction?” Hermione enthusiastically nodded yes with a laugh, grabbed his hand and scurried out of the Ministry atrium, much to the delight and amusement of all of her coworkers and friends as Ginny gleefully wolf whistled as they ran by. Meanwhile, off in the corner of the party, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter were watching with equal parts pleased and shocked expressions. 

“You can never trust a Gryffindor to follow through with a Slytherin plan,” Draco lamented with a drawn out sigh as Harry patted his shoulder with a laugh. 

“Sometimes all you need is a little impulsive Gryffindor action,” Harry said with a meaningful look at Draco. “After all, that’s how I got you.” 

“Oh please, you only “got” me after years of me successfully laying the groundwork-“

“Successfully laying the groundwork?! You mean aggressive bullying, right?” 

“I think you mean foreplay and seduction.” 

“Oh just take me home, you ridiculous man.”

“Gladly, Scarhead.”

Harry rolled his eyes, pinched Draco on the arse and apparated him away thinking ruefully how perfectly opposites really do attract. 


End file.
